Into the unknown

I have nothing else to do until I go to work in about fifteen minutes, so I'll make a quick LJ post. I've been trying to wake up earlier than my usual time; the plan is that I'm going to try and walk/jog/whatever for an hour before work, since that's really the only time I can do it. I think that the exercise will be good for me; my boss works out before she comes to work and she's always chipper. xD

I've been so unmotivated about exercising, though. At least I haven't gained any weight back, and I went down a size in clothes. :D Still at 12 pounds lost, which is really great. I think I'd be more eager to do something, if I had an iPod or some other kind of music player that I can use while I do it. However, money's been really tight lately. I think I'm going to have a little bit left over when I get paid on the 5th... but that's going towards pre-reg for NDK, the rest of my stuff for Setsuka and hopefully Maria, and things I need like food and gas.

I'm also considering just canceling the cable that we have. :| I think that I can count how many times I've actually watched TV with my fingers and still have a few left over. I don't really believe that I should keep paying for something that I'm not using, and it'd be an extra $10 a month that I'd save. I guess that I should talk to [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] and see if she'd mind paying for it, since she watches TV the most out of the three of us. But, since her sister's here, I don't really want to talk to her about money stuff until her family leaves.

On a brighter note, school is almost done with! I've gotten straight B's so far, and I'm really proud of myself. Class technically ends on the 6th, but if we pass the final project on the 4th, we don't need to take the final exam. x3 And then I get a small break before school starts for me again on the 25th. It won't be as bad, since I decided to drop Astronomy. I'm only taking three classes, and one of them ends on October 8th.

Work has also been going better. I've gotten a little more used to working at the front again, even though we get some really weird calls. xD Bobbie's getting surgery on August 20th, though. So I'll be working the front desk full-time until she hopefully comes back on the 31st. That'll be interesting, needless to say.

I've been feeling really irrationally angry lately. Maybe it's because I don't get as much sleep as I need. But either way, every day I wind up feeling so angry all the time. xD I really hope that goes away soon...

Bawww. I guess that I had better get to work now.

Though, it's more of a personal/emotional nature, rather than a physical one. :D

I honestly feel like I was a shitty person during the 3+ years that I was in deep depression, and I'm surprised that my friends who went through that with me are still my friends. I think that the ones that are still with me know how deeply sorry I feel about it, and I think that'll haunt me for the rest of my life. It's something that I've been having to live with (and feel guilty over) ever since I got out of therapy back in September.

It's only now, after over six months of being out of therapy and facing up to my problems, that I realize that now is the time to fix things. I think that having certain people in my life during that difficult time would have helped me immensely, and I'm very sad that they're not a part of my life anymore. But now is the time to make amends, and reach out to them.

So, good job me! I started the ball rolling with two people that I've been missing very dearly. <3 I hope that this will turn out to be a positive thing. I think that this will continue the healing process and journey that I've been on for a long time. Even if the responses I get back aren't positive, at least I know that I can make peace with the fact that I tried to right some of the wrongs I've committed.

And on that note... time to go watch a little bit of Dawn of the Dead!

Okay, homeslices and homecubes. Here it is. I don't think anything else noteworthy will happen tonight, so I decided to post this early.

( List 001 )

I've been thinking.

I want to get over this. I really do. I'm tired of living my life in the past, full of pain and regret. As long as I can't move forward, I'm not really living. I'm just an empty shell.

In order to do that, I need to come to terms with a few things. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I don't want to be, either. How can someone who seems to be perfect laugh, love, hurt and truly really be alive?

I want people to accept me for who I am, but first that acceptance has to come from myself. Even with my selfishness, even with my black moods. I will probably never be able to get rid of these aspects of myself, no matter how much I try.

I have to realize that I am no less equal. I have to realize that I am cared and loved for, and that I care and love for others. Even if these emotions may not be present in each and every moment, they are still there. Even if someone is hurt or gets angry, isn't there still at least one greater emotion behind all of it?

I am an individual. I am part of a group. I am part of a trio. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to stop pretending. I want to know that I am loved and want to love.

Even though I share many different identities, I am still myself. I need to figure out who that self truly is. I thought I knew, but things have changed so drastically over the years.

I want to be strong. I want to be dependable. I want to be everything in the world to someone. I want to laugh and enjoy life without holding myself back. I want to live in the moment more, since I cut myself off a lot of the time. I want to be more sensitive to others. I want to know that even if some actions hurt me, the pain is unintentional. As of now, it seems like it is very intentional. I want to know the truth behind everything.

When it comes down to it, I want to know who I truly am, and be loved for it.

I'm determined to break these walls around myself down.