077

[jupiterhalo]

I've been thinking.

I want to get over this. I really do. I'm tired of living my life in the past, full of pain and regret. As long as I can't move forward, I'm not really living. I'm just an empty shell.

In order to do that, I need to come to terms with a few things. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I don't want to be, either. How can someone who seems to be perfect laugh, love, hurt and truly really be alive?

I want people to accept me for who I am, but first that acceptance has to come from myself. Even with my selfishness, even with my black moods. I will probably never be able to get rid of these aspects of myself, no matter how much I try.

I have to realize that I am no less equal. I have to realize that I am cared and loved for, and that I care and love for others. Even if these emotions may not be present in each and every moment, they are still there. Even if someone is hurt or gets angry, isn't there still at least one greater emotion behind all of it?

I am an individual. I am part of a group. I am part of a trio. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to stop pretending. I want to know that I am loved and want to love.

Even though I share many different identities, I am still myself. I need to figure out who that self truly is. I thought I knew, but things have changed so drastically over the years.

I want to be strong. I want to be dependable. I want to be everything in the world to someone. I want to laugh and enjoy life without holding myself back. I want to live in the moment more, since I cut myself off a lot of the time. I want to be more sensitive to others. I want to know that even if some actions hurt me, the pain is unintentional. As of now, it seems like it is very intentional. I want to know the truth behind everything.

When it comes down to it, I want to know who I truly am, and be loved for it.

I'm determined to break these walls around myself down.

Comments

[brakish.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad that you're looking into yourself, bussah. I think a big part of finding happiness and being content is being content and happy with yourself. True, everyone gets upset with themselves from time to time... but overall, its best to know who you are and truly know your perspective in life. I'm very proud of you! X3 good luck <3

[jupiterhalo.livejournal.com]

Aww, bustles! Thanks for your kind words.

I'm just tired of everything, you know? I'm like "Wait, I'm only 19 years old! I shouldn't be tired of living yet. xD;;;"

Unfortunately, I don't know how to go about doing any of this. I'm sure that things will come around eventually, but I'm stuck in a rut as of right now. I want to move on, but I can't.

I guess we'll just have to see. Hopefully this will make me a better person, and a better friend. *nuzz*

[hirumaryuei.livejournal.com]

I hope it goes well <3

[jupiterhalo.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks, Pat!

You need to call me~ I miss talking to you. Are you going to come to NDK? Do you know yet? ^_^

We should definitely have a talk sometime. :0

[hyper-amychao.livejournal.com]

:0 why don't you call him?

[jupiterhalo.livejournal.com]

:0!!!!!!!!!

I could do that, too. ^_^ I really hope that he comes to NDK~ he can see our Setsuka and Ivy costumes! :D

[hirumaryuei.livejournal.com]

Outlook for NDK is good, assuming my roommates' employment situation improves in any possible way. I'll ask my boss for some extra financial coverage prior to the event. I will need housing arrangements though; any help with that would be greatly appreciated. That basically means, "Find me an inexpensive, reasonably comfortable hotel in the area, please"

I'm in Canada right now so my cellphone is off. Sorry. I'll be back in the 'States sometime in the evening of 8/30. I depart BC at noon and arrive in Seattle around 4:30 (PST) so if you're in central, the earliest you should try to call me is somewhere in the whereabouts of 4pm.

[hyper-amychao.livejournal.com]

Eeee, mussels!

I'm glad you're wanting to get over your rut [teehee, funny word] and back in the game again. I miss having you happy for reals, instead of just taking it [like peanut or seiji]. But i want you to know that I love you no matter what ^-^

[jupiterhalo.livejournal.com]

Heehee, mussels. xD;;; That is so amusing. And rut is a funny word.

Awww, I'm very happy for your kind words. ^_^ Like I said to Ana, I'm totally boggled. I'm like "Dude, I'm only about 20 years old~ I shouldn't be tired of living, already." xD And I almost put "licking" instead of "living."

The only problem is, I don't know how do go about it. xD; I was kind of talking about this with Kahle on Thursday, and she thought I needed a break from things. I'm sure that things will present themselves soon enough, too. I miss being happy for realzies, too! Not just taking it like Peanut. xD; Hopefully when I figure this out, I'll be a better person and friend.

And I love you, too, musseh! Thanks for always being such a wonderful friend and giving me so much support. I really appreciate it, even when I get into my black moods sometimes. :D