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jupiterhaloI've been thinking.
I want to get over this. I really do. I'm tired of living my life in the past, full of pain and regret. As long as I can't move forward, I'm not really living. I'm just an empty shell.
In order to do that, I need to come to terms with a few things. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I don't want to be, either. How can someone who seems to be perfect laugh, love, hurt and truly really be alive?
I want people to accept me for who I am, but first that acceptance has to come from myself. Even with my selfishness, even with my black moods. I will probably never be able to get rid of these aspects of myself, no matter how much I try.
I have to realize that I am no less equal. I have to realize that I am cared and loved for, and that I care and love for others. Even if these emotions may not be present in each and every moment, they are still there. Even if someone is hurt or gets angry, isn't there still at least one greater emotion behind all of it?
I am an individual. I am part of a group. I am part of a trio. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to stop pretending. I want to know that I am loved and want to love.
Even though I share many different identities, I am still myself. I need to figure out who that self truly is. I thought I knew, but things have changed so drastically over the years.
I want to be strong. I want to be dependable. I want to be everything in the world to someone. I want to laugh and enjoy life without holding myself back. I want to live in the moment more, since I cut myself off a lot of the time. I want to be more sensitive to others. I want to know that even if some actions hurt me, the pain is unintentional. As of now, it seems like it is very intentional. I want to know the truth behind everything.
When it comes down to it, I want to know who I truly am, and be loved for it.
I'm determined to break these walls around myself down.
I want to get over this. I really do. I'm tired of living my life in the past, full of pain and regret. As long as I can't move forward, I'm not really living. I'm just an empty shell.
In order to do that, I need to come to terms with a few things. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I don't want to be, either. How can someone who seems to be perfect laugh, love, hurt and truly really be alive?
I want people to accept me for who I am, but first that acceptance has to come from myself. Even with my selfishness, even with my black moods. I will probably never be able to get rid of these aspects of myself, no matter how much I try.
I have to realize that I am no less equal. I have to realize that I am cared and loved for, and that I care and love for others. Even if these emotions may not be present in each and every moment, they are still there. Even if someone is hurt or gets angry, isn't there still at least one greater emotion behind all of it?
I am an individual. I am part of a group. I am part of a trio. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to stop pretending. I want to know that I am loved and want to love.
Even though I share many different identities, I am still myself. I need to figure out who that self truly is. I thought I knew, but things have changed so drastically over the years.
I want to be strong. I want to be dependable. I want to be everything in the world to someone. I want to laugh and enjoy life without holding myself back. I want to live in the moment more, since I cut myself off a lot of the time. I want to be more sensitive to others. I want to know that even if some actions hurt me, the pain is unintentional. As of now, it seems like it is very intentional. I want to know the truth behind everything.
When it comes down to it, I want to know who I truly am, and be loved for it.
I'm determined to break these walls around myself down.
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no subject
Date: 2006-08-20 01:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-20 06:35 am (UTC)I'm just tired of everything, you know? I'm like "Wait, I'm only 19 years old! I shouldn't be tired of living yet. xD;;;"
Unfortunately, I don't know how to go about doing any of this. I'm sure that things will come around eventually, but I'm stuck in a rut as of right now. I want to move on, but I can't.
I guess we'll just have to see. Hopefully this will make me a better person, and a better friend. *nuzz*